What Is Love?

The Truth Behind This Often Misunderstood Emotion

The word love has captured the imagination of writers, poets, philosophers, and scientists since the dawn of time. It seems to be the sentiment that fuels the most incredible works of art. It seems to evoke such heartwarming, fulfilling sensations,  inspires acts of heroism, and seemingly binds humanity together. Yet, it eerily leaves us baffled, confused, hurt, afraid, and lost, often putting us on the path of war with others.  But what exactly is love? Is it merely a chemical reaction, a social construct, or something more transcendent? Let us journey into the complex world of love and its seemingly many dimensions to better understand this universal force.

The prevailing definition of love stems from religion, which defines love not as a single emotion but as a conglomerate of several emotions, encompassing basic human qualities like caring, kindness, compassion,  commitment, trust, joy, etc. Since religion shapes most societies, counselors, life coaches, therapists, and psychologists follow the same definitions laid out by previous generations and society at large. So the practice of defining love as a group of varying emotions continues. This definition is taught in schools, colleges, and pretty much every part of society. Deep inside, however, most of us have felt that something is not quite right. If love is all those things, why is it often accompanied by all this pain and drama? Why are we often left feeling so perplexed, deceived, betrayed, and hurt? Why are things not as beautiful and pleasant as in the fairy tales and stories we read growing up? After all, love is supposed to be the bearer of a host of great human attributes.  Love is not jealous. It is empty of pride. It is not offensive or crude. It keeps no record of wrongs. It is not easily angered, etc. So why do partners have so many issues? Why do they argue and fight and everything negative in between?

The American Psychological Association states that 40 to 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 to 67% of second marriages also end in divorce. And don’t even get me started on the staggering percentage of people who are unhappily stuck in miserable, stressed, and unfulfilling marriages. 19% of married people say their marriage is loveless. 38% of married people say they feel obligated to stay married.  Stop and think about this for a moment.  20 to 25% of marriages say they have experienced infidelity, and these are only the ones that report it. What does this say about the state of love? Do you still believe that love is all the good things you have been taught?

The truth is, we are wrong about what love is. Love is none of those things we have been led to believe. Love has nothing to do with kindness, compassion, trust, or loyalty, and all the other emotions and human conditions or states that have been heaped under it. Love is one single emotion.  Simply put, Love is the euphoric emotional reaction of fondness or delight we experience when we really like someone or something. We experience this (love) emotion when we find someone or something appealing, attractive, or compelling. The way we experience, express, or dispense love is dictated by our own unique personality. In essence, it is the chemical reaction our bodies experience when we enjoy someone or something in the moment. It is nothing more. It is a single emotion.

Love has nothing to do with being compassionate, gentle, romantic, or the host of other emotions we group under it. All these other emotions and qualities are essential to maintaining a fulfilling relationship, but not love.  If you love someone, yes, it is conducive to be kind, caring, compassionate, romantic, etc. But these things are dictated by your personality, not love. Yes, you can love someone and hurt them. Yes, you can love someone and cheat on them. Yes, you can love someone and betray them, be unkind to them, and even kill them. I am so sick of these idealistic notions about love that we have perpetrated for years with no basis in reality. Is it any wonder that so many people are confounded and stuck in miserable relationships, wondering what is wrong with them?

Ok, you can stop reading this article here if it makes you uncomfortable. This happens when our belief system is challenged.  It can feel somewhat uneasy. I know, I challenge my own beliefs all the time, and like you, I am not immune to the discomfort that accompanies it. However, I know that if I really want to get to the truth, I must push the discomfort aside and push on. So here we go.

Now the question is, if love is as simple as my explanation, how do I explain falling in love? Well, this too is very straightforward: when you find yourself in the company of someone so intriguing that you constantly experience strong reactions toward them, you begin to desire to bring that person more into your sphere. However, you can only do that if you have some control over them. But first, you must also be the object of that person's attention. So, you do what it takes to gain that person’s attention. Whatever method you use to gain the person’s attention, you now need to engage them to hold their interest in you.  If you are lucky, that person may already have noticed you and is already interested in you.

Our behavior here is no different from that of any animal trying to win the attention of a mate. We go through a similar ritual and dance similar to that of a bird, goat, fish, or any number of animals. Based on what the suitor is looking for at that moment, those who are better suited usually win, while others look on in jealousy, wondering what he or she finds in that unattractive person. In later podcast episodes, we will discuss “How to Improve Your Odds at Landing a Partner” and “How to Maintain A Fulfilling Relationship.”

Anyway, the point I am making is this: our behavior is similar to that of other creatures in the animal kingdom. We all operate from the same base instinct or generic code. There is no mystery here. The complexities lie in maintaining a productive, fulfilling, enjoyable relationship filled with sustained joy and frequent bouts of happiness. This relationship factor is often confused with love.  It is not. Love is a mere precursor to this. Keeping your partner fulfilled and in love with you, well, that takes some knowledge and work. But you can’t begin to address this part of your relationship if you are confused about how love works and the role it plays in your life. This is the main reason most relationships fail.  They fail because we engage in them with false and misleading information. As Bob Marley puts it, “You can’t jump in the water if you can’t swim.” However, this is what we do every single day.

The main point here is this: the emphasis in a love affair should not be on love but on maintaining a healthy relationship. In healthy relationships, couples are keen on nurturing habits that engage their partner and keep their interaction interesting. The focus is on counteracting the destructive forces of entropy, which is a relationship killer. Entropy influences a host of human frailties and relationship-sabotaging tendencies. 

It is the nature of all things to transition from a state of order to a state of disorder. This fundamental force is one that all relationships must find a way to continually counteract. The moment you cease maintaining your relationship is the moment it begins to unravel. This is the natural course of everything in existence. It is not that nature is trying to disrupt your life, but instead just trying to transition to another state. Entropy accounts for the continual ebb and flow of existence. Without entropy, life would be mundane. Nevertheless, relationships cannot endure in a chaotic environment; thus, we must take charge and intentionally guide them in the direction we desire. This is the secret to every successful relationship. The success of all relationships hinges on how well the individuals involved are willing to tackle the challenges that entropy presents.

With that said, I implore you to reevaluate your definition of love and come to grips with the fact that the way your partner expresses love is purely dictated by their unique personality and how they interpret the world and react to entropy. The point is, if your partner is selfish, they will love you with a degree of selfishness. If they are insecure, they are likely to be more jealous. If they have anger issues, that will also come into the relationship. The fact that they love you does not suddenly erase those flaws. Strangely, in my interactions with people, most believe love fixes everything and improves people. It does not. These are personality flaws that come with that person. When you are in love with someone and intend to start a sustained relationship with them, begin by asking yourself, “Can I live with this person’s less desirable qualities?” If the answer is no, move on. Don’t waste any more time—unless, of course, you are a sucker for conflict and discomfort.

Trying to change someone is self-defeating. The chances of you succeeding are very slim. The issue is that most people are set in their ways. Most are OK with themselves the way they are. Their traits are deeply entrenched in their being. It makes up the collective values that make them who they are as a person.  Their principles and the way they see the world are based on this. This is extremely difficult to change.  Even if they want to change, most of the time they quickly revert in a moment of anger, without even realizing it. This goes for all of us, you and I included. Changing our core behaviors is very difficult. Finding someone you are more compatible with is easier than trying to change someone. How many times have you had someone genuinely promise that they will never do something again, but in a moment of anger, here we go again? I promise, I will never shout at you again, I will never put you down again, I will never call you that nasty name again, I will never beat you again, I will never cheat on you again. I will stop being selfish, I will be more patient, the list of promises is never-ending.

It is important to note that there is no perfect person.  All of us come with a set of baggage and flaws. Yes, that includes you. Start by accepting the fact that you are just as messed up as any other human on this planet. Stop looking for the perfect person. He or she does not exist. The objective is to find a person with whom you are compatible. This means you have enough in common when it comes to core principles and values, yet enough difference to keep the relationship interesting. Learn to accept some of your partner’s less desirable qualities; they must do the same for you, regardless of how perfect you think you are.  

Love can be satisfying and fulfilling. There is just no feeling like it. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over. Experiencing it over and over in your relationship is the goal. However, to do that, you must cultivate it in your relationship. The goal of your relationship is to keep experiencing that feeling of love; it is to keep experiencing those moments of happiness.  If you can repeatedly make your partner experience love and joy, you have a partner for life. If, however, it becomes a set of mundane routines, you can both stick it out because you made a commitment to each other, but your life will be void of joy. Most people are in joyless relationships. They go through motions, doing all the superficial things society tells them to, but the relationship feels empty. Occasionally, they enjoy a moment, but these moments are too infrequent. 

This article only scratches the surface of love and relationships. For more information on engaging in a more joyful connection, check out “Understanding Love,” chapter four in my book, “Balance, Counteracting the Obstacles in Life.”