How to Find a Partner & Keep Your Relationship Interesting - Pt. 1

Practical Tips for Building Connections and Nurturing Relationships

Part 1 of 2

-Written by Nigel G Kettle -

Finding the right partner can be a challenging, frustrating, and disappointing experience. However, there are several ways to increase your odds of finding the right partner and pave the way for self-discovery, personal growth, and meaningful connection. Whether you're entering the dating world for the first time or re-entering after a break, improving your chances of finding a partner often requires knowledge, awareness, patience, an open mind, and, yes, intentional effort. To be successful at anything, you must invest time in understanding the craft. And, as with everything, it takes time and practice before you become proficient at it. Below, I have outlined some of the fundamentals to help you get on the right path.

Finding the right partner can be a challenging, frustrating, and disappointing experience. However, there are several ways to increase your odds of finding the right partner and pave the way for self-discovery, personal growth, and meaningful connection. Whether you're entering the dating world for the first time or re-entering after a break, improving your chances of finding a partner often requires knowledge, awareness, patience, an open mind, and, yes, intentional effort. To be successful at anything, you must invest time in understanding the craft. And, as with everything, it takes time and practice before you become proficient at it. Below, I have outlined some of the fundamentals to help you get on the right path.

Here are ten self-evaluation questions to assist you on your journey. We will discuss the first 5 in part one of this article and continue with the remainder in next week’s.

1.        Why am I still single after searching for the right partner for so long?

2.        Am I ready for a relationship, and what kind of relationship am I interested in?

3.        Am I comfortable and confident in myself, my looks, and physical features, or am I insecure?

4.        Am I being authentic, or am I projecting an idealistic version of myself?

5.        Do I understand how love and relationships work?

I’d like you to take a minute to write down the first question. Now, stop and think about it for a bit, and then write your honest answers below. Writing each of these questions down as you go and conducting a deep dive self-evaluation will have a profound impact on you. Contemplating these questions thoughtfully will help provide clarity, reveal areas for improvement, and guide you towards building healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Now that you have agreed to take this journey, let’s quickly cover the questions on the list.

1.        Why am I still single after searching for the right partner for so long? You cannot really fix an issue unless you understand its cause; otherwise, you will keep making the same mistake repeatedly. Every time you think you have achieved your goal, you find yourself at stage one again. Feels familiar? Of course it does. It feels like you are going in circles. Most people struggle with self-assessment because it is challenging and uncomfortable. Many of us are convinced that we are right about the way we conduct our lives, and others are mostly wrong. We see ourselves as the perfect version of humans, while others, especially those who question our ways, well… they are just flawed. We believe we understand love, while others just don’t get it. However, the truth is that millions of people worldwide are involved in enjoyable and fulfilling relationships. Countless women and men find a partner on a whim with minimal effort, so why are you having such a hard time doing it?

Well, I’m just going to spell it out for you. You've stayed single for so long because something is off. Yes, as much as you’ve convinced yourself otherwise, the fact is, something is obstructing you from finding a partner. This is the only reason you're still single. No, it's not any of the convenient excuses you keep clinging to. You are still single because you’re doing something wrong. This could be based on several factors, such as a bad attitude or unrealistic expectations. You may be overly insecure, have a flawed understanding of love, or have hygiene issues that are off-putting. It could be that you don’t socialize enough or make an effort to meet others. You might be too sensitive or too bossy. The list of obstacles is endless. However, the point I am making is that there is a reason you are failing at this quest.  Try to see yourself from an outsider’s perspective. Ask yourself, “What am I projecting to others? Be blunt, ask yourself things like, “Am I a joy sucker or fun to be around? Am I overbearing? Am I trying too hard? Am I lying to impress others, etc?”  Be honest with yourself, write down all your shortcomings, and make a conscious effort to rectify them.  People often get really mad at me at first when I state that the problem stems from within. They really have a very hard time accepting this. But after some time and soul-searching, most people usually thank me later for forcing them to look inside.

The fundamental truth is that many of us are single because others simply don’t picture themselves spending their lives with us. We are just not engaging enough.  I have a friend who has been single for about 15 years.  She drags herself from one unfulfilling affair to another.  Often, she would wonder out loud, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I find a good man? Most of the time, right after, she would answer her own question. “Yep, I am a B... I am not easy to get along with. My attitude chases men away.”

Yep, the truth is, while my friend has several nice, kind ways, she is somewhat of a drama queen. She likes nothing more than being the center of attention, and she is fully aware of it and will quickly outline most of her flaws.

 “Since you are fully aware of your flaws, why don’t you address them?” I asked.

“Well, that is just who I am.” She replied.

“So, let me get this straight, you are aware of your flaws. You are aware that your attitude is standing in the way of you attaining the fulfilling relationship that you desperately yearn for. However, still you refuse to do anything to fix it,” I inquired, in a tone that was more of a statement than a question.  

She was pensive for a moment, “Guess I am sabotaging myself, right?”

“You think?”

I have a male friend, again, a nice guy with a good heart, but he just can’t shut up. He is always talking about himself. It is extremely hard to have a conversation with him because he never gives anybody else a chance to speak. His need to impress others is so much that he can’t shut up about himself.  Yep, again, he is fully aware of his flaws. “I just don’t know when to shut up he told me. I just can’t help it. I am such an idiot.” He said, frustrated. 

“John (not real name),” I replied, “It is not that you are an idiot, it is just that you are somewhat selfish. You are always trying to tell others about yourself, but you never listen to what anyone else has to say. How about you start to genuinely care about what others have to say? Believe it or not, others will find you much more interesting that way.”

These are not unfamiliar stories. Most of us know people who exhibit similar behaviors in some way or another. In my life coaching sessions, I have come to realize that most people are aware of their flaws. They often know what they need to do to turn things around, but they just lack the desire and will to do so.

Write down all the flaws you are aware of. Now, write down how you intend to fix them. If you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out to a therapist or life coach. Having someone to guide and help you stay focused and committed often works wonders in helping you regain control of your life.

2.        Am I ready for a relationship, and what kind of relationship am I interested in? Taking the time to pause and evaluate the kind of relationship you genuinely want to pursue can be a transformative experience. It demands honesty, introspection, and a readiness to confront your emotions, values, and aspirations. Are you looking for a fulfilling relationship with a life partner—a bond defined by deep commitment, shared goals, and emotional intimacy? Or does your personality and current stage in life suggest that you need something more flexible, like a situationship, where the boundaries are fluid and the connection thrives in the moment without expectations for the future?

Are you a gay individual living a lie, trying to conform to a straight lifestyle but instead finding yourself bouncing from one unfulfilling relationship after another, leaving you feeling awkward, strange, and unsatisfied?

Alternatively, an open relationship may align better with your personality and life path, as you value independence and the freedom to connect with multiple people while maintaining transparency and trust.

Are you interested in a polyamorous relationship, where you are equally involved in more than one intimate relationship?

Come to terms with your sexuality and who you are as a person before embarking on your quest for a relationship. You will be happiest when you embrace your true self, regardless of what society thinks, and in doing so, find like-minded people who share your values and beliefs.  Whether you're envisioning a stable partnership built on shared dreams or a more unconventional path, the most important relationship you cultivate is the one with yourself. This foundation of self-awareness will guide you toward fulfilling and meaningful connections in whatever form they may take.

3.        Am I comfortable and confident in myself, my looks, and physical features, or am I insecure? The way we physically perceive ourselves, the confidence we have in our appearance, especially when it comes to our physical features, is a deep personal journey that varies significantly from person to person. It often depends on a multitude of factors, including upbringing, societal standards, personal experiences, and the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle messages we constantly consume via social media and television.

Oftentimes, insecurity about one's looks and physical features can stem from comparing oneself to others or adhering to unrealistic expectations often depicted in the media and popular culture, which sells a particular body type or physical attribute as beautiful. These messages can create a cycle of doubt, where self-worth becomes tied to external validation. However, recognizing and acknowledging our vulnerabilities can be an essential step toward personal growth. Coming to grips with our insecurities can become a catalyst for introspection, enabling us to explore what truly matters—not superficial perfection, but qualities like kindness, resilience, and authenticity. The journey toward self-confidence often begins with embracing imperfections as natural and an affirmation of our unique humanity, reframing insecurities as stepping stones toward self-love and acceptance.

Ultimately, the bottom line is that we did not create ourselves.  We had nothing to do with the genes that made us. We are just here the way we are, and we have to make the best of it. Yes, some people possess features that are more aligned with what today’s society regards as beautiful. And I say society, because beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder. In the not-so-long past, a full-bodied, voluptuous woman was considered beautiful. Now, beauty is often associated with being skinny, sometimes to the point of looking anorexic, at least, that is the case in most parts of America. However, the truth is, there is no universal consensus on what beauty is. Beauty has meant different things to different regions and groups of people at various times, and it continues to evolve, changing slowly, but the change is constant.

If you do not fall into the present-day so-called beauty standard, you can spend all your time upset and brooding about it, or you can wear yourself with confidence, or maybe spend some time compensating for it. I often tell people who complain about their looks that if you’re not the most good-looking person, invest some time in cultivating a more charming personality. Some of the most successful relationships I know of have at least one partner who does not conform to conventional beauty specs. Yes, you heard that right. If you don’t believe me, start paying a little more attention to some of the people you know who are in genuinely loving, fulfilling relationships.

Fact is, your looks have no bearing on your ability to be kind, compassionate, intelligent, sexually stimulating, charming, caring, and the host of other great qualities that go into fostering interesting, exciting, fulfilling relationships. However, a lack of confidence will diminish the way others perceive you and, in turn, your chances of securing a partner. You cannot expect others to believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself. If you think you are ugly, then you are ugly. That is the message you are sending to the world. That is the message your body language and micro-expressions are conveying. Therefore, that is how others perceive you. There are several books on the subject of building confidence. It's time for you to start addressing the issue that has been an obstacle on your path to a happy, meaningful relationship today.

4.        Am I being authentic, or am I projecting an idealistic version of myself? When we engage with a potential partner, it’s natural to want to make a good impression. We want to highlight the best parts of ourselves. But we often go too far and instead of presenting our true selves, we project an idealistic version of ourselves that we can never live up to, because it is simply not who we are, but instead who we wish we were. Be mindful of this and when interacting with others, be truthful in representing your authentic self instead of crafting an idealized version that you believe your potential partner will be more impressed with. This introspection is vital, as relationships built on genuine self-representation tend to foster deeper trust and emotional intimacy, while those founded on curated façades usually crumble under the weight of unmet expectations.

It is natural to want to put your best foot forward when meeting someone new. However, the danger lies in over-polishing your image to the point where your potential partner is enamored with a version of you that isn’t real or sustainable. Striving for authenticity means embracing vulnerability and showing both your strengths and imperfections. It is through this transparency that you create space for genuine connection, allowing your partner to fall for the real you—not the version you've crafted to impress.

Deep connections are formed through vulnerability. We connect with people with whom we have more in common. Be aware of this and use it to your advantage. The more you relate to someone and connect on mutual vulnerability, the more you seem to have in common. The more you have in common with someone, the deeper the bond you form.

5.        Do I understand how love and relationships work? Most of us have never really given much thought to this. We believe it is just something that comes naturally, much like breathing—at some point, you just know how to do it. And yes, to an extent, as we grow up, we learn how to interact with other humans, but we do not learn how to excel at it. I am sure that by now it is obvious to you that some people are much better at it than others. It is simple, either you learn to be better at this game and elevate your chances, or stay among the bottom-feeders and compete for the riffraff, and continue wondering why you always end up with the same kind of partners. 

To improve your odds of better, more satisfying relationships, you must acquire the proper knowledge. Put a little effort into it. Read articles and books on how to connect with and influence others. Skip the superficial articles that you mostly find about five ways to do this or that; they are written mainly by AI that feeds you with bad, regurgitated, recycled information passed on to us for generations. Read books by serious thinkers.  People who spend a lot of time pondering, analyzing, researching, and studying the subject, not those who see the world through the same old, misinformed views. Once you come across such work, you will know, because it challenges you to look at things from a different perspective. Start by reading my previous article entitled “What is Love?”

Check back next week for the second part and conclusion of this article as we cover the next five steps and continue to explore this topic, “How to Find a Partner and Start a Fulfilling Relationship.”

For a more in-depth and comprehensive guide on navigating the challenges of love, check out my book, Balance, Counteracting the Obstacles in Life.