How to Find a Partner & Keep Your Relationship Interesting - Pt. 2

Practical Tips for Building Connections and Nurturing Relationships

Part 2 of 2

-Written by Nigel G Kettle -

Welcome to the second part of this article. Thank you for your continued interest in this topic.  We will continue with the other five key points.  Last week, we covered the first five steps below.

1. Why am I still single after searching for the right partner for so long? 

2. Am I ready for a relationship, and what kind of relationship am I interested in? 

3. Am I comfortable and confident in myself, my looks, and physical features, or am I insecure? 

4. Am I being authentic, or am I projecting an idealistic version of myself? 

5. Do I understand how love and relationships work? 

   

This week, we continue with the other five. 

6.   Should I share my vulnerabilities with my partner, or should I keep some things to myself?

7. Stop playing the victim card.

8. Am I dressing to attract or repel potential partners? 

9. Are my expectations realistic, or are they based on fairytales? 

10. How to keep my partner interested in me?

6.        Should I share my vulnerabilities with my partner, or should I keep some things to myself? Many people I know who are struggling to find the right partner are often those who I consider highly guarded. They seem to be more about impressing others with an idealized version of themselves, but never really let their guard down to share genuinely about themselves or their true feelings. Even when they do find someone who cares about them, the barrier never goes away. When you spend a little time listening to these individuals, you often find that they are simply trying to protect themselves from being hurt. They are never truly genuine about their feelings because they are afraid of being judged, fearful that their vulnerabilities will be thrown back in their faces at some point in the relationship, so they do the only thing they feel comfortable with, and that is to remain guarded. 

However, by choosing to remain guarded, you are creating unnecessary wedges and obstacles in your relationship. Vulnerability lies at the heart of deep and meaningful connections, and sharing it with your partner enriches the bond you both share. When you open up about your fears, insecurities, and weaknesses, you allow your partner to see your authentic self, which fosters trust and intimacy. Such openness can pave the way for a stronger emotional connection and lay the foundation for mutual understanding. 

Now, I am not implying that you should open up and share all your vulnerabilities on your first date. However, the decision to share your vulnerabilities should be influenced by the nature of your relationship and the level of comfort you feel with the person you are seeing, as well as their level of understanding and judgment.  In young relationships, where trust is still being established, it may be wise to keep certain aspects private until the bond has deepened. On the other hand, in relationships where trust is solid and communication is open, sharing vulnerabilities can be a healthy and productive act. Reflecting on whether your partner has shown compassion and respect in the past can help you gauge their ability to handle your sensitive truths.

To establish a healthy, fulfilling relationship, you must feel comfortable enough with your partner to let your guard down and be vulnerable. Yes, as hard as it is, you must.  It is the only way to foster the trust and deep connection that your life is missing. If you are seeing someone with whom you cannot be vulnerable, it may be best to end the relationship. And yes, you can have a relationship with someone with whom you cannot be ‘vulnerable’, but you will never experience true intimacy and satisfaction in that relationship. You have, in essence, committed yourself to settling for less than you desire. You may ask, “So what is the problem with that?” Well, if you can accept a diminished version of partnership, then go right ahead. About fifty percent of all relationships have settled for this anyway. The issue is that the people who have, never stopped complaining about the lack of a partner with whom they can bare their soul.  If you knowingly settle for less, which is OK, then accept it and stop complaining. 

In a recent podcast, two of our young guests highlighted how challenging it has become to be open and vulnerable with their partners, as their vulnerability often ends up being exposed on the internet after a breakup. This is a legitimate concern of the younger generation. Here are some recommendations to combat this destructive tendency. Every picture or video you send to your partner could end up on the internet. Only share photos with others that you are Ok with sharing on the internet. Don’t share naked pictures that show your face, or any identifying features, again, unless you are Ok with seeing it on the internet. This is not rocket science. Stop sharing sensitive data about yourself that could come back to harm you. It’s okay to refuse to take pictures of yourself in unflattering positions. You need to decide where your boundaries are. Secondly, take the time to get to know your partner before exchanging sensitive information. This is good advice for people of all ages. 

While sharing vulnerabilities can strengthen relationships, it is equally important to recognize the value of personal boundaries. Not every thought or feeling needs to be disclosed; maintaining some privacy allows for some degree of individuality within the partnership. Deciding whether to share something depends on its relevance to your relationship and the potential impact it may have on your relationship. A healthy relationship often involves a balance—being open about significant matters while preserving aspects of your life that are personal and not necessarily crucial to the partnership. However, this is something that should be discussed with your partner before you become too serious, especially if you plan on getting married. What you consider personal may mean the opposite to your partner. Discuss openly where you draw the line. Bear in mind that the more open you are with your partner, the better it is for cultivating a relationship based on trust and true intimacy. 

So let’s address the elephant in the room, the fear of having your vulnerabilities thrown in your face. Unlike many love experts who claim that if someone truly loves you, they will never throw your vulnerabilities in your face, well, that is just a fairy tale. All of us do it. That therapist that is telling you that if your partner truly loves you, they will never throw your vulnerabilities at you. Well, they are, in turn, doing it to their partner, too. There is a 99.9 percent chance that this will happen at some point regarding something you shared with your partner. This is a fact. At some junction, we will use it to make a point, to show a pattern, or to bring our partner's attention to the fact that they have not changed as much as they think they have. I cannot stress this enough. We all do it. Whether it is done or not is not the question. The question is, how is it done? Is it done in a malicious way to hurt you, or is it done to point out a flaw your partner needs to be aware of to change? 

Accept the fact that at some point in your relationship, your partner will bring up something that you confided in him about to prove a point. Unfortunately, this often arises in arguments when we are more emotionally irrational. When it does, remind your partner that if this keeps happening, you will not be able to continue sharing personal thoughts or secrets with them. 

Be aware of the fact that you have to strive to be more forgiving, and don’t take every small point your partner is trying to make and blow it out of proportion and into a mountain.  They may be making a valid point, and at the time, that may be the most instinctive and logical approach.  However, if your partner is using your vulnerabilities as a weapon and a means of hurting you, this is dangerous territory and may be the equivalent of verbal abuse. This is when it should be concerning. Several people cross over into verbal abuse without even realizing it. Instinctively, as the victim, you may be inclined to stop sharing your vulnerabilities at this point; however, this is when you need to open up more to your partner about the way their verbal abuse is affecting you. Don't be afraid to let them know just how their actions are affecting you. A lot of times, we believe that the abuser knows the hurt they are causing, but often they don’t.  Instinctively, many abusees project a Teflon image. This misleads the abuser to believe that what they are dispensing does not affect their partner negatively.  

Lastly, if you choose to share your vulnerabilities, how you communicate them is crucial. Context matters; timing, tone, and delivery can significantly influence how your partner receives your disclosure. Present your thoughts clearly and without blame, focusing on how you feel rather than assigning fault. This approach invites empathy and encourages your partner to respond with understanding and compassion. Sharing vulnerability in a safe and supportive environment can transform challenges into opportunities for growth.

Ultimately, the decision to share or withhold your vulnerabilities rests on your intuition and the dynamics of your relationship. Trusting yourself to discern what is best for your emotional health and trusting your partner to respect your boundaries are crucial. Relationships thrive on authenticity, but this authenticity does not demand complete exposure of every aspect of your inner world. What matters most is that you feel secure and respected, whether you choose to share deeply or keep certain parts of yourself private.

7.     Stop playing the victim card.  As we strangely move into a life consumed by social media, the fewer connections we make. We have hundreds of friends on social media, but our lives still feel so void of genuine connection. This is a growing epidemic, and with it, the need to connect becomes even more dire. The strange thing I have been noticing lately is that many people are playing the victim card. As soon as you start getting to know someone, they start unloading their problems on you, not in a negative way, but as a means to gain sympathy in an effort to make an even deeper connection. The strange thing is that this is a misguided attempt to share their vulnerabilities. I want to make it clear.  This is not the way to be vulnerable. 

I recently met a woman who at first seemed like a wonderful person at an event. And while waiting in line, we began talking. Literally two minutes into the conversation, she started telling me about all her health issues. She had arthritis in her knee, her back, and her fingers. She was abused as a child by a relative. She and her mom were not speaking, and her daughter barely spoke to her.  She was due for surgery in three weeks, and so on. The strange thing is, this woman did not know me.  We had just met; this was her awkward way of coming on to me. Just before we reached the end of the line, I asked her, “Just out of curiosity, what made you divulge all that information to me even though you don’t know me?”

With sad eyes, she looked at me half embarrassed, and said, “You look like a fine man, and I thought sharing with you would provide common grounds for us to connect on.” That answer is as genuine as can be. That answer is true vulnerability. The sharing of all her physical, emotional, and relationship problems is not. That does not provide grounds for connection. I just wanted to run from her.  Now, of course, I am married and not looking for a partner, but if I were, I wouldn't be interested in this person. Ambushing me with all her problems was a big turn-off. However, this trend has become increasingly apparent to me recently. Oversharing is a turn-off.  Stop burdening others with your problems.  When seeking a partner, you want to project a strong, confident image, not that of a downtrodden victim. This method is not sharing your vulnerabilities. This is a victim complex. It has the opposite effect. 

Stop playing the victim card. It is not sexy. Yes, as humans, we will politely listen to your problems, but we want to run.  Yes, there are a handful of people who like a fixer-upper, but even they complain about being worn out after a while. No human can tolerate a constant bombardment of negative energy without paying a price. The victim card is a blatant play to gain sympathy. It is primarily used by individuals who are highly insecure.  It is an attention-grabbing tactic.  Leave this to very old, lonely people.  And while I'm at this, let me also mention this to parents: stop using this to get attention from your kids. Stop complaining all the time about the little aches and pains that you live with.  Don’t make everything about your pain.  Stop making all conversation about your pain. Stop being a downer all the time. The more you focus on them, the more pain you attract to yourself. How is your day? Don’t always have to start with a story about all the pain you felt last night and throughout the week. Ok, I just had to slip that in there. Now, back to the matter at hand. 

 8.     Am I dressing to attract or repel potential partners? There is great wisdom in the old saying, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression. I wish more people understood this and took it seriously. While personal chemistry and meaningful conversation are vital, the visual cues we present, particularly through our clothing, often serve as the first bridge—or barrier—between ourselves and potential partners. How we dress communicates not only our personality and values but also our level of self-respect and awareness of social context. Dressing to attract is less about chasing fleeting trends and more about enhancing authenticity and confidence in a way that resonates with others.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I'm not saying you need to dress up all the time. I'm saying dress to match your present environment and the way you want others to perceive you. One of the most important aspects of dressing attractively is recognizing the importance of context. A sharp suit may dazzle at a cocktail party, while the same outfit could feel out of place on a casual coffee date or a stroll in the park. Before choosing your attire, consider the environment, cultural expectations, and even the personality of your anticipated company. Thoughtful dressing demonstrates emotional intelligence; it tells your companion that you value the shared experience enough to make an effort, while also ensuring you feel comfortable and authentic in your chosen outfit.

If there is a universal rule in the world of style, it is this: Proper-fitting clothes matter far more than fashion. Ill-fitting clothes—whether too tight or too loose—can undermine even the most stylish ensemble. Wearing clothes that complement your body type not only flatter your shape but also exude confidence and poise. Comfort is equally essential; when you are at ease in your clothing, you radiate an approachable energy that often proves more magnetic than any statement accessory. Invest in clothing that feels and looks good on you, and don’t underestimate the power of basic tailoring to enhance your overall appeal. Now, I am not recommending that you spend money on personal tailoring, but perhaps consider doing what my wife does: she often buys clothes, then passes them on to me to take the sides in to fit the contours of her body a little better  And no, I am not recommending that you buy clothes and give them to your husband to take in, I happen to be good at sewing, so she takes advantage of that.

I recently got heat from two young female guests on our podcast for stating that women should avoid wearing clothes that highlight the cellulite on their butt. This was taken as woman-bashing and seen as a way of restricting the way women dress. I apologize to any woman who feels that way. That was not my intention. However, I still stand by the point I was trying to make: if you are trying to attract a partner, try to avoid tight-fitting thin clothes that accentuate this. Everyone has both good and not-so-good features. Wear clothes that highlight your best features and draw less attention to the ones you want to downplay.

No matter how fashionable your clothes are, poor hygiene or grooming can undo all efforts to attract a potential partner. If you look good, but smell bad, well… that doesn’t work. If you sweat a lot, bring a sweat towel with you.  While I don’t sweat a lot, I always carry one with me just in case. 

Avoid using strong-scented colognes and perfumes. Only choose fragrances that match your body chemistry. This greatly influences how it smells on you. Don’t overapply; use a modest amount instead. Others should only smell your scent when they are close to you. 

If you have short legs and wear shorts, opt for shorter styles; long shorts can make your legs appear even shorter. Instead, wear short shorts. If you have skinny legs, avoid wearing big, baggy shorts; they can make your legs look even smaller. Wear skinny shorts. If you are a larger person, avoid clothing with large prints, as they can make you appear even larger. Instead, opt for clothes with smaller prints. There is a lot of information online about how to dress to complement your body type. If you're serious about improving your chances of finding a partner, conduct some research and start addressing this issue today. 

At its core, dressing to attract is less about the clothes themselves and more about how you wear them. Confidence—the quiet assurance that comes from feeling authentically yourself—is the most compelling aspect of any ensemble. If you feel good in what you wear, that energy is contagious, creating a positive feedback loop that draws others in. Rather than obsessing over the latest trends or mimicking others, focus on curating a wardrobe that makes you feel strong and comfortable in your skin. Ultimately, the most attractive outfit is one worn with genuine confidence and an open, inviting attitude, ensuring you attract the right kind of attention from potential partners.

9.     Are my expectations realistic, or are they based on fairytales? When it comes to love, there is a great deal of misleading information on the subject. First, start by coming to grips with what love really is. Love is the euphoric feeling of fondness and or joy you experience when you really like someone or something. Love is one single emotion. Qualities such as trust, kindness, and patience are inherent to a person’s personality and are not directly related to love. If someone loves you, they may be more inclined to be kind, compassionate, and so on, but their personality dictates this, not the fact that they love you. Therefore, if they have anger issues, they will still love you, but they may also hurt you. They will still love you, but they will also put you down. They will love you and be envious of you.  These are separate entities that have no connection to one another.   

I cannot tell you how angry some people become when I say this. They cannot bring themselves to believe that someone could love you and hurt you. Yet you have all witnessed it and been its victim.  Why is it so hard to think that we have been fed a lie about what love is? Romanticizing and fantasizing will not alter the situation. The simple fact is that the way your partner functions in your relationship will be based on their personality alone. No amount of love can change their fundamental personality flaw, and no amount of wishing will. 

I can tell you how often I hear people say, “If he or she loves you, they won’t hurt you.” For crying out loud, this is a fantasy.  Do you know of any relationship where the people involved never hurt each other, either intentionally or inadvertently?  And I don’t mean physically hurting. We all say things that hurt our partners’ feelings.  We have all been unkind to our partners at some point. We are flawed humans, and we do stupid human things. Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner never did or said anything to hurt you?  No. You have not. Does that mean that nobody has ever loved you? My mom, who loves me to the end of the world, has said things to hurt me. Stop thinking that if someone loves you, they won’t hurt you. Hurt is coming. Get ready for it. 

The bottom line is that your partner is going to hurt you. Now, how you deal with it is what is essential. When someone says something that hurts me, I am aware that they may not be aware of the depths of the hurt they inflicted. So, in most cases, I let them know. Don’t hold it in. Speak up.  If they continue doing it, and that is not something you can accept, move on. Don’t waste time in a relationship that is diminishing you as a person. However, be realistic. Be aware that you are also sometimes hurtful to your partner through the things you say and do as well.

Everybody is prone to being irrational at times. Your partner is going to say things that you would rather they not. They are going to be unkind to you at some point, they are going to be impatient with you, they are going to be jealous of you, and so on.  This is how humans work.  Don’t be overly sensitive and bothered by every little insensitive statement or act. We are all selfish at times. Learn to forgive and make a conscious effort to forget. Let go of small, petty things. However, if your partner is hurting you, speak up and let them know, and try to find a way to work together to resolve the issue.  

10.  How to keep my partner interested in me?  In a song, the Jamaican group, ”Third World” asks, “Now that we’ve found love, what are we gonna do with it?” That is the question. Oftentimes, this is where people mess things up.  They have searched for the right partner for so long, someone with whom they are compatible, and now that they have that person, things start falling apart. For more information on this topic, look for our upcoming podcast and article, titled “Why Do Good Relationships Go Bad?” 

One of the fundamental rules of nature is that everything moves from a state of order to disorder. This rule is the second law of thermodynamics. This process is called entropy. It is not that nature is trying to destroy everything, but it is instead working to prevent things from becoming stagnant.  Nature is always transitioning from one state to another, keeping things moving and therefore interesting.  However, the side effect, at least from our perspective, is chaos. This constant transitioning from one state to the other is a relationship killer if you are not prepared to counteract it. Most people are not, because they are unaware of the concept of entropy. 

The first and most crucial step in maintaining a healthy relationship is counteracting the obstacles that arise. The moment you have found a partner, forces immediately go to work to destroy it. This is just the way things work. It works the same way at every level of life. It is working to destroy your dream job, your new car, your house, your family, and your friendships. To maintain a healthy relationship, you must put intentional effort into it. You must constantly upkeep it to survive. The better you are at it, the better the results, and therefore the more durable and fulfilling a relationship you will have. 

We tend to relax when we’ve found the right partner.  “Wow! That was a quest, now I can relax and put my feet up.  Finally, I found someone.” Yes, you can celebrate a little, but don’t allow yourself to become complacent. Your partner is expecting to spend their life with the exciting person they met. Meaning, if you were the person who likes to go out and have fun, they still want that fun, outgoing person they fell in love with.  If you were the man who would do the dishes after a meal in the dating phase, that is a part of the package your partner fell in love with. You can’t stop now that you have them. If you loved sharing a good movie, you can’t stop now. The point is, you can’t stop being the person your partner fell in love with, or the process reverses, and now you are fighting to stay in love.  I don’t want you to get the wrong impression here. Our life circumstances sometimes change, and we, too, must adjust to meet our partners’ changing needs and environment. Every healthy relationship needs partners who are willing to compromise on various aspects, taking into account that we are aging and may become sick and unable to perform the way we used to. Things get in the way, such as kids, financial fluctuations, etc. However, when these challenges arise, discuss them and implement countermeasures to mitigate their effects. Don’t just ignore them and pass them off as “just life.”

Communication is one of the qualities that is at the heart of every good relationship. It’s not just about talking—it’s about sharing thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities in an open way that invites understanding and connection. Express appreciation for the things your partner does for you. Don’t take it for granted that they know you are grateful. I know a man who used to tell his wife, “You don’t have to thank me for every little thing I do.” So after a while, she stopped.  Three months later, the same man was complaining to me that his wife was no longer grateful, now that they had settled into their new life.  Now he is questioning if she is taking him for granted. The point is, even if your partner pretends they don’t need it, express gratitude anyway. 

One of the most essential parts of communication is listening. Still, it is an art most people have lost in the ever-growing, competitive social media world, where we are increasingly more focused on outshining others. Show genuine interest in your partner’s stories, worries, and joys. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and reflect on what you’ve heard. This helps signal that you value their voice and presence.

Open up and share.  If this is the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with, let your guard down. Be open about your dreams, fears, and daily experiences. Allowing your partner to share your thoughts helps foster intimacy and reminds them that you value their perspective. Be supportive and stand by your partner during challenging moments. Listening, offering reassurance, and being a steady presence can strengthen your bond. 

Address issues promptly: Don’t let resentment fester. Have honest and respectful conversations about your concerns, and work together to find practical solutions that address them. Be quick to forgive. Don’t hold on to your partner's errors. We make roughly the same number of mistakes, too. Remember, we are all flawed humans. We are bound to mess up from time to time. 

Do things together. Find hobbies that you can participate in jointly and make them a priority and prominent part of your life. Simple things, like exercising together, go a long way to lifting the mood of you and your partner.  It is unbelievable the number of people I hear complain about the fact that their partner always finds some excuse not to go exercise with them, even something as simple as walking. This small act means so much to many people, and it is simple and easy to do; yet, it has caused numerous issues in relationships.  

 Keep the romance alive; remember that you have to upkeep your relationship constantly. You can’t be romantic while dating, then you stop when you get the girl or man. If at heart you are not the romantic person your partner fell in love with, then you should never have pretended to be. Sustaining romantic gestures, both planned and spontaneous, is a big part of relationships. Everybody loves to feel special and cherished. Now and then, I write my wife a poem. Yep, it may be corny, but she loves it. It makes her feel like I am thinking about her. 

Maintain physical affection: A warm hug after a long day, holding hands, or a gentle touch can reassure your partner of your love and care. Pay attention to your partner’s personality. Some people crave a lot of affection, while others don’t. Administer accordingly. 

Humor is an essential part of all relationships.  Find humor in the everyday things by sharing inside jokes, watching comedies together, or playing games. Laughter can diffuse tension and create a positive atmosphere. Embrace playfulness: Don’t be afraid to be silly with each other. Allowing yourself to let your guard down in this way fosters a sense of comfort and closeness.

 Remember what love is. It is not the fairytale version you’ve been fed since birth. All relationships involve some degree of conflict. You are two people with different personalities who view the world from a slightly different perspective; therefore, conflicts are inevitable. Be prepared to address and resolve them promptly. Practice empathy: Try to see things from your partner’s perspective, even if you disagree with them. This builds compassion and prevents misunderstandings from escalating. Avoid blame and criticism; instead, focus on expressing your feelings and needs, rather than attacking your partner’s character. I’ll emphasize this again: practice the art of apologizing and forgiveness. Owning up to mistakes and offering forgiveness helps heal wounds and promotes growth.

Ultimately, the most important thing to keep in mind in a relationship is that you must continually counteract the forces of entropy. The better you are at it, the greater your chances of having an exciting and fulfilling collaboration with your partner. Remember to continue being as exciting, spontaneous, and interesting as you were in the beginning. Every once in a while, stop and ask yourself, Have I become boring since the relationship started. In most cases, the answer is a resounding yes. Do not allow this to happen, or the partnership will wane, and before you know it, you and your partner will be housemates going through a set of daily routines. Live young, live joy, live happy.

There is so much more to cover in this article, but it is now way too long. For more on the subject of love, please check out chapter four of my book, Balance, Counteracting the Obstacles in Life.